Dominant, Submissive, Master, Slave, Kinkster, Switch, Sadist, Masochist, Top, Bottom, Training Master, Mentor, Humilitrix, Submissive with Switch or Slave traits, Goreans, Old Guard, take one from column A and one from column B..have I left any out?

I swear, with how so many people are hung up on what labels to use for themselves and others it makes me wonder how these people ever have any time to actually BE who they say they are. Seriously, if you get together with someone and you click, why the fuck does it even matter what labels you use to describe each other? You click? You're happy with that person? Good, then stop trying to define the fucking thing with labels and just enjoy it... You spend too much time trying to define yourself with terms and it starts to look like you're playing to the peanut gallery and not your partner.

But it's funny to see those profiles of the people who took some BDSM test and posted the results of the test on their profiles.. Oh you've seen them, "I scored.. sadist 86%..." etc.

And those of you who call yourself a leader when in your profile and journals are things like that "I am a dominant man" or "The dominant's creed" or any of that castle realm stuff.. Errr, how can you call yourself a leader when you're not even using your own words on a damned online profile? What that does is make you a follower, not a leader.


I had a scathingly brilliant idea the other day. I had this idea of hooking up with good old Santa Claus to get his list of naughty boys and girls around the world. You know the jolly one is only passing out lumps of coal so I figured i'd help him out and perhaps see to it that list is shorter next year, scathingly brilliant, yes?

Yeah, except I apparently ain't the only one who had this particular idea. Uh huh, I find the dude sitting in his workshop abusing.. errrr I mean supervising the elves and when I asked him about it he just rolled his eyes at me, and asked where I lived. When I told him he goes to his computer (Santa has some kick ass internet access, by the way) and after a few keystrokes three or four pages print out the printer, which he handed to me.

"Wait, there are only like 100 names here," I told him.
"Yeah no shit," said Santa. "With the amount of helpers I have for this task, there are only so many naughty ones to go around." (Yes, he said `no shit'. He was also sitting there with a bong and a bic lighter but I didn't think people would want to think of St. Nick as a stoner, heh.)

Okay, so maybe my idea wasn't so original after all.. But still brilliant don't you think?

Well, I went and got me a suit to wear while making my rounds with my list of 100 naughty ones. It kinda sorta looks like a santa outfit but it's black instead of red and the boots have stiletto heels.

ANYWAY, for that 23 year old naughty girl who gave the wrong phone number to that guy chatting you up at the club... I'll be visiting you on the morning of the 25th, oh yes.

And YOU, that 32 year old bad boy who told that girl that you were a record producer, i'll be seeing you too.

For the 21 on my list who don't celebrate Christmas and think you're in the clear.. Think again. I'll just get to you on other days beside the 25th.

Oh yeah, that 38 year old guy who decided to play a round of golf on Yom Kippur, I've got a special surprise for YOU... Heheheh


On that note let's get to the profiles.. and this is going to be a little different. We're going to have a look at some profiles of people who just don't take all of this BDSM-D/s stuff so seriously.

Like this one.. a 23 female sub in Georgia who appears to be a submissive version of ME.. So that makes her A-OK in my book... Check out this bit from her profile..

"If you refer to yourself in the third person, capitalize all pronouns relating to yourself and have a shit-fit when anyone into "the lifestyle" breaks protocol, don't message me. I'm a sub who likes rough sex and the right kind of pain. After sex I want a fucking cigarette and want to watch Family Guy over a couple of beers. If you'd rather stroke my hair and call my your little girl while criticizing me for not pleading the right way, fuck off."

I love it.. "Spank my ass a bit, fuck me hard while you pull my hair, get me a fucking beer and turn on the TV. Don't wanna watch TV with me? Then go home."

I know... I know.. There are those of you sitting there going, "Well that's not a sub at all with all those demands." Yeah, well who cares?


Here's a 36 dominant from Texas whose profile starts... "*LADIES PLEASE READ MY PROFILE BEFORE MESSAGING ME.  I'M NOT JUST A SEX OBJECT*".... And then it gets funny.. As a point of interest, do the ladies out there see how silly that looks and sounds?

This profile is an entertaining read and instead of quoting different bits of it, i'm just going to tell you his name is "fitguytx" and urge you all to give this profile a look and enjoy.

Eh, he's rather impatient though.. Someone told him to check my shit out because they thought it was funnier than his profile, so he sends me a message saying, "Damn you, it's funnier than mine!"

So I of course read his and liked it, asked if he minded if I used it in my blog. (Yes, I have done that on occasion, but only when I don't intend to make fun of that person.)

Right then, he says that's cool and wanted to be notified when it was posted to which I said it would be posted on Monday.

Heheh, not good enough for him it seems.. He wanted it done faster.. Ahh, he was joking and relented when I said it takes some time to come up with this shit..

SOOOOOOO, here it is, delivered when promised. Oh and if you score a new submissive or two because of this, don't forget me, eh?


Our submissive with the "gotta send me a giftcard" sent me a message saying that bit has been the greatest limitus test ever.. Just after she sent me an exchange she had with someone... This one is rather weird..

"slayerofable:
so what you really mean is  you are a broke whore not just ugly you are the worst thing about this world

sojewtastic:
 A good fable would be about a spider who goes into this guy’s apartment and the guy gets really angry and decides to spray the spider to death with bug spray, but he accidentally uses hair spray and so the spider ends up looking really sharp and then gets a job someplace that the guy was trying all week to get a job at.

slayerofable:
How dumb you are you thought slayer o fable.  Ha slayer of able as in kain in the bible hun you can never hope to be on my level.  I have women pay for my time and controle this is my job but you are nasty scaming old guys out of their retierment

sojewtastic:
Do you ever wish you went to the bathroom and instead of pee a bunch of dust came out because you were dead and your body had already decomposed? Or do you ever wish you were a hundred pounds skinnier because you had died and been cremated? Or do you ever wish you went to the doctor and he was like, "The test came back empty because you were never alive in the first place"? N-E way, just wondering.

slayerofable:
 how many caps did you eat i have to know or have you started to main line

sojewtastic:
OK, one last question: Do you ever wish you woke up in a grave and had bugs for eyes and worms for hands? OK, and this really is the last one, I swear, but do you ever wish that instead of getting dressed in the morning you could just roll out of bed and clatter to the floor in a pile of bones?

slayerofable:
I get it you are tryin to be deep and creepy a pathetic atempt to scare or intimidate.  Can i ask do you see how stupid you make your self to be.  Hun you could never scare me once you have cut a mans femeral artery and watched him beeld out then desolive his boddy in a bath tube of draino thinking he would just drain away but find his kindy stone in the tube after pulling the plug but dont panick because they will blend in with your gravle


Umm, you've GOT to check out this slayrofable cat's profile.. I tell you it's pure gold. (He rather is taken with the idea of breaking dommes.) Oh and if you ever see a kidney stone that's big enough to see in a tub without a magnifying glass, get pictures and contact the Guiness Book of World Records people.


This next one isn't a profile, but a series of profiles. I first caught this over the summer and it was of a 46 female submissive in the UK. In her profile, she speaks of her daughter an how she's not heard a word from her in ages.. Well, there is more to story but this woman is offering herself as a prize for helping her get in touch with her daughter.. Uh huh, now she even gives you a road map to find her daughter (Uh, giving us the daughter's CM name)..

SOOOOOOO.. You go read the daughter's profile and of course she is aware of her mother looking for her and tells her side of the story as to why she does not contact her mother.. It seems as if mom was hitting on her boyfriend.. etc.

Yeah, those profiles were deleted and soon another set of profiles pops up with a different story and the same basic theme.

Last week I see this person is back.. NOW the daughter is living at home and she is offering her services as a submissive and as an added bonus, the right to take a shot at her daughter.

I don't know who is actually behind these profiles, but they're funny as hell.


On the other side of that spectrum is a profile that is labeled a 48 female submissive in Florida.. But here's the profile.

"This is a profile bout my mom. She's not aware of this...
Im her son, 24y old.
Mom is 48y, 5'8'', 130lbs, blonde, green eyes, busty 36C, married, mom of one, elem. school teacher...  ANYONE WHO WANTS A REAL NASTY TALK BOUT HER, CONTACT ME IF U WILL"

Uh huh, Oedipus complex for the win?


Here's one from a 32 dominant in Kansas.. His entire profile is about what he expects from you as his slave... They're pretty funny as well.. here are a couple.

"2. A sub/slave should always obey her master as long as he is her true master. That means a true master will not push or take his sub/slave were she can not follow."

Umm, if she's with you what the fuck else would you be, you silly dipshit? And exactly what the fuck does that second sentence have to do with the first?

Okay, here's one of this guy's journal entries.

"Ok had some one ask me if I would train a slave for them. Just in that statment alone it is funny. What kind of Master or dom wants others to train what they own. What a joke they must be. Second he started to tell me how worthless females are. An how you have to abuse them to get them to obey. I know some out there like that and i know some submissives are no better then to be treated as such. But to just assume all are like that well just tells you how sad some of these doms are. An those that think you controle through fear or her body have no idea in what they are doing. You controle her through her mind you understand how she thinks and if you are really good you know what she thinks before she says anything. An then you can truly controle her.

If you have to brain wash her or brake her to controle her then again you are doing things wrong. Only the weak rule through fear. An only the dumb have to brake there toys to be able to play with them."

I'm NOT going to comment on all the spelling errors but again it's just funny to see them while talking about "the dumb" and the things they do.

Dude no one asked you to train a slave for them, ya liar. But you're right about one thing.. If anyone read your profile and DID contact you about training a slave for them, they'd be one dumb mother fucker for doing so. No really, if I were looking for someone to train a slave for me, you'd be way, WAY down on the bottom of the list.


And one more.. this one is ummm.. interesting to say the least.. This is a 37 dominant in Ontario, Canada and this cat says what he does is break the "cumming record" of women all over the globe. Ya see, he has a secret method he thought of, yep.. yep.. Here's one particular boast..

"Woman who have experience with forced electrical clitoral stimulation, you probably would not have your record broken by me.  I have made one of my pets cum 200 times in a 2 hour session with the aid of a very effective 'toy', though that was a treat to one of my pets who was a loyal and proper-behaved pet for a considerable amount of time."

Yep, you read that right.. Two hundred orgasms in the space of 2 hours.. let's seeeeeeee.. that's an orgasm every 36 seconds... for two hours... err, right.

I don't think it's possible to even FAKE 200 orgasms in that kind of time frame. Anyway, imma help this fella out and teach him the art of the lie..

Ya see, the key to telling a good lie is to make the fucking thing believable. Now had you said 20 or even 30 in two hours that may have worked for your purpose, but 200? No fucking way.

And this in the beginning.. "I break the cumming records of women from countries across the globe from afar with the very effective secrets I thought of."

Really, it's rather sad to think that with the Kama Sutra and all those other methods for inducing orgasm the REAL secrets to multiples lie with this one dipshit in Canada.. Too bad he's lying his ass off, eh? But seeing as he does this from "afar", I wonder if the big secret is he's not actually there? Hmmm.

His journal entries are funny too, he hits back at people who've messaged him to call bullshit.


This note before I go, Jim Morrison has offically been pardoned by the Clemency Board of Florida. Thumbs up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDN9y2vTdUs&feature=related