In the D/s world we toss about such words as TRUST, HONESTY, RESPECT, INTEGRITY, HONOR and other catchwords to describe this thing of ours. Well at times we throw those words about so much they start to lose meaning and cause nausea, but that's a rant for a different day.

Take those above words and see if you can explain to me how you fit any of them when you are either in a "vanilla" relationship or married and need to be discreet.

"But, my wife doesn't understand me!"  So how in the fuck did you manage to make those vows with someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, who doesn't understand you? I mean that IS what you were saying when you got married, yes? I swear I see so many profiles from people who say, "I've known all my life this is who I am." Yet they maintain they are married to someone who doesn't understand them.

Well ya doofus, if you've known all your life why the fuck didn't you find someone suitable for that interest BEFORE you married Mr or Mrs Vanilla? I mean come on, if this is SUCH a big part of you or the tried and true "It's just who I am", why didn't you find someone suitable back then? Fuck you and your need to be discreet, ya cheating fuckers.


Let us travel to the realm of the profiles.... to find the lulz of course. This one.. well this one is a real tear jerker.. Get your tissues ready for this.....

Mmmkay.. ready?

Right then.. This is a 30 Dominant from Indiana and this cat posted a profile as bad if not worse than all those "he pissed on my gift" profiles.. This is world class drama queen stuff, folks.. great reading..

Strike up the violins playing the soft, dark ballad as we hear the tale of the military man who out of the goodness of his heart took a 19 year girl off of the streets.. Took her out of the rags she was wearing and dressed her nicely.. fed her well.. put a roof over her head.. AND... Here's the capper.. bought her a mini laptop for use in the class he encouraged her to take.. HE GAVE HER A LIFE!!!!

But!!!.. But while he was away in another state taking a military class she turned on him!!! (cue the dramatic heart thumping music to fully convey the drama).... She and her 30 year old friend who was supposed to keeping an eye on her used his apartment to run a prostitution ring....

Ohhhh noeeeeeeeeeeessssssss!!

While he was out taking a military class and may very well have to go to Iraq she was giving herself to 10. count em TEN men!

Ohhhhhhh the humanity!

Right, if you find this pussy's profile... Well, suffice it to say it's more dramatic than what I just wrote... This dude wrote a fucking poem about her and put it on his profile.. A fucking poem!?!

Dude, really we feel your pain.. Now dry the tears and sack the fuck up.. Fucking whiny ass. Don't make me call out Sgt. Hartman on your ass.

Of course he could also be taking some errr artistic liberties with the truth on this and it didn't go down QUITE as he tells it. My guess is he hooked up with someone out of his league and she better dealed his pussy ass.


Here's another of those profiles where the writer just comes up with some out of this world shit and presents it as the truth..

This is a 41 dominant in Alabama who is the self proclaimed "arch bishop" of the house of Pain and Glory.
This cat isn't your run of the mill Master who invented himself online.. Oh no no no folks.. This guy is a fucking 3rd degree master in the lifestyle of BDSM who has also adopted some truth in the lifestyle of Gorean.

Umm, 3rd degree master? UH, I can't begin to imagine what under the realm of the great prophet Zarquon <--- Hitchhiker's guide reference.. Are the steps it takes to become a fucking 3rd degree master in the lifestyle of BDSM?

"Ahh backflogger, one must first learn to flog this rice paper without breaking it before you can aspire to the lofty heights of the 3rd degree."

The really funny part of this one's profile is at the bottom of it where he speaks of private sessions and he expects to be paid for them.. Yep, you read that right.. after the first session the quoted price must be paid in full.

I mean for realz, are you kidding me?


I'm going to do something totally out of character for me, and point you at a profile of someone for the purpose of reading something from someone who has a great sense of humor..

His name is Ponyboy75 and his journal entries are pure gold.. Check them out and drop him a line, give him his props for the journals.


I've purposely stayed away from making fun of the way someone looks because that's not how I roll... No fun in that, really.. But this is from a 35 female dominant in Wisconsin. Some of you may already know this person as this is the very same person who says she has a contract that has been "reviewed by lawyers".. (No longer in her profile, but a journal entry still references said contract.) Well, this isn't about her contract even though I think she's a piece of shit liar, it's about what is in her most recent journal entry.. (As an aside, there's a 48 female dominant in Florida who posted a journal entry about contracts and said it far better than I ever could.)

In it she wants to know why someone who is overweight is atuomatically assumed to be unhealthy, AND she's asked for an answer that makes sense to her.

She goes on to say that even though she is 5'9 and 200 lbs and considered overweight she is not unhealthy because she has a very low resting heartrate and and very quick recovery time from exercise. Yeah, she further states she unloads semis of hay easily and we the readers would do well to understand that muscle weighs more than fat.

Now, she's right on the money about that.. Muscle is indeed denser than fat. But to see this person's picures it throws a bit of doubt into what she claims about herself. You see, someone who is your height and weight and is indeed muscled does not LOOK as if she weighs 200 lbs...There is a 48 year old sub in Florida who had posted in jourmals about becoming discouraged when trying to lose weight via the workout route.. She at this time of that writing was 5'6" and said she weighed about 170. Her discouragement stemmed from the fact she was working hard but could not see the results on the scale.  That person looks like they weighed significantly less and was toned. Why? Because muscle weighs more than fat!

YOU on the otherhand LOOK like you weigh 200 lbs. or more, and out of shape. Now, I am not trying to make fun of this bitch because she's overweight..I'm making fun of her lame posting trying to justify herself. Eh, why not just use the "i'm comfortable in my skin" line and tell those who don't like it to get to steppin'? If someone isn't interested in you because you are overweight, fuck them.


This has nothing to do with BDSM  or CM but I find it funny.. (In a really weird, kinda sad sort of way)... I woke up this morning and after stumbling to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee I turned on the television while waiting for my coffee to be ready..

There was a news report about a sport that is now being played in many colleges... It's called Quidditch.. Apparently it's a little like soccer except the players are all riding brooms and knocking the ball through rings..

Time out..QUIDDITCH!?!?

Now I like Harry Potter as much as the next person.. Yes, i've read all the books. (err, several times.. I'm SO hot for Severus Snape!) and have seen all the movies.. But we've sent our kids to college to play fucking Quidditch? Are you fucking kidding me?

Nope.. as my head cleared a little I watched these college students dressed in maroon robes and they were riding brooms.. Well, in the same way one would ride those stick horses... tossing a ball around and throwing it at the rings.. This is an organized sport as well.. Umm, so what exactly is wrong with Lacrosse, or Field Hockey.. or even Soccer? But Quidditch?

I tell you what, if I had a kid who was in college and was in fact playing Quidditch, that kid better have a 4.0 average or they'd not be able to sit on their broom after I was done showing them about the position in Quidditch called "Beater."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UfPij5ABdo&feature=fvwk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YmJob5rbNM&NR=1 <--- Harvard Quidditch..


Now how do you follow that? Ahh.. by going back to the profiles of course... I'm gonna spotlight two fake lesbians on this one.. Different people but with a common theme..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc1am3KyYgA <--- Fake Lesbian Theme song

MistressKelly10 and Mistress4Online are our two spotlighted fake lesbians for this post.. They both are of course looking for online slaves.. webcam slaves.. uh huh... and they both add the caveat that you will not be seeing them on the camera or hearing their voice..

MistressKelly10 says, "Take it or leave it."

What I want to know about these two fake lesbians is this.. Umm, have either of you ever actually gotten someone to fall for that shit? If so, you owe it to the rest of the fake lesbian community to reveal the names of these gullible subs so that the other fake lesbian dominants can have a chance to have a go at them.. I mean it's only fair, right?

I somehow get the funny feeling the fake lesbian community has a decided lack of real women to play with. Well Duh!


Another funny thing I've seen in some profiles is when the person gets all pissed off when people they are not interested in VIEW their profile. Now come on, you can't seriously think you can control who views your fucking profile do you? I swear you'd think your privacy has been violated or something..


Right then, one more before I go.. This one i've meant to get on here but haven't found the room.. Ah, i'm getting to the point where the lulz are not quite so easy to find as they once were. No doubt because when I first created my UltimateDomme profile I had a laundry list of shit to post....

Also, I was all set to rip some kid on CM a new asshole on here and had put his profile on my favorites list so I could find it when I was ready.. WELLLLLLLL, he messaged me, curious to know why I was on his list of admirers. I told him straight up, I wanted to be able to find his profile for use on my blog.
.
The fucker changed his profile and took out the lulz..LOL..

Anyway, here's my salute to the fake lesbian who is a 30 lesbian dominant in California. This one has been around nearly three years and in Jan of 09 he posted a journal entry that basically cried about being tired of being called fake.. *smirk*... She also implores you the viewer of his profile not to listen to rumors.. yep yep..

But you gotta admire the lack of quit in this guy.. He's still around plying his "looking for a online slave" trade.

In his profile after the usual line of shit about what they want.. there's this...

"Oh, and for those of you who have heard rumors that I am a fake around here, that is totally false.  Only uneducated, undisciplined, ignorant fools would say or believe those things."

Ummm, this dude has a picture that's both old and so obviously fake it's amazingly funny this guy can actually post the above. I can't help but wonder about the thought patterns going on here.

Ah, since i'm running out of easy material the postings aren't likely to come as quickly as they did, but i'll still be out there collecting the lulz..

 Until then..