Of all of the humor I see on Collarme, I get some of the biggest laughs from seeing profiles where the guy is looking for a doormat with this long list of requirements that must be met before you approach him.You know, approach him to "apply for the position?"  Now, you have to make sure you're like the real deal because he's getting too many messages from players and all the other applicants. In other words he expects to be approached, and claims to be getting a good amount of slaves actually approaching him.

Oh come on now, you've seen many profiles like that, haven't ya? Of course you have.
Right then, I believe on the average for every 100 guys looking for the sort of broken person who would be interested in that brand of umm, domination, there are probably one or two such broken women. Would you say that's an accurate assessment of these particular demographics, 100 of these dominants for every one or two broken women? Make no mistake, any woman who would willingly subject herself to the sort of crap MasterDontCareAboutYou wants to do to her, is a broken person.

Yeah, i'd say so too. So, given that... What must we think of the profile that claims they are being approached by many such women? Well, that they're some lying mother fuckers comes to mind right off the bat.

Now, how do we know this, you ask? Because those two broken women are getting so many messages I seriously doubt they have any time on Collarme that isn't devoted to dealing with the massive amount of messages THEY are getting to even know you clowns exist.

You assholes are a dime a dozen and the broken women you seek are the fucking commodity here, not you. Besides, not one of you have anything at all about yourselves in your profiles except for how domly you are and a few catch words like, "well off" or something to that effect... And then have the nerve to get offended when some hot little gold digger comes around looking to get paid.

"Fakes and scammers, stay away!" Yeah, that'll scare em off. Do you dipshits even get that the scammers aren't reading profiles to know that you wish them to stay away from you? 


Here's a profile i've seen for quite some time under her current name, and a previous name, and this poor girl has gone through quite a few fake doms..

This is a 50 female submissive in Louisiana, her profile changes quite a lot and this newest version of her profile is one of defeat.. Here, let me show you the new first couple of lines from it.

"No longer looking, have realized because of the ppl on here that have lied to me so much I can't trust anymore."

Yeah, another defeated soul who logged onto CM with high hopes only to have her hopes and dreams shattered by the fake doms and players she's encountered.

Hmm, she has this bit toward the bottom of the profile..

"I look for a Dom that wants a mix of vanilla and bdsm, who is honest, loving and has character. Blonde, blue and curvy and a bit spoiled.  Discretion needed will explain."

Uh oh, there's that huge honking red flag waving all over the place.. "Discretion needed, will explain."

Ask her to explain and you'll be told that 10 or so years ago her husband cheated on her and well, payback is a bitch eh? Right, so she's married.

Now, along with the "I'm no longer looking" bit on the front end, she's put this on the back end..
"Xxxxxx - the greek- was a fraud...married.  3rd Dom in a row a fake.....makes one wonder about this site.  Xxxxxxxxxx is a fake too, married with 8 kids....my Dom before him was a fake....   I have become a fake magnet lol"

Yeah, i'm not in any way trying to deny there are oodles and oodles of players and spouse cheaters out there.. But after 4 or 5 times getting your ass singed in pretty much the same way, it's probably a good idea to start wondering why it keeps happening instead of not taking responsibility for your own choices and simply blaming the fakes and players.. You know, no matter how many times you watch it, that hail mary pass Brady tried in the Super Bowl fell incomplete.

Start with the pictures, 11 pictures on the profile, 9 of them closeups of her chest and a couple of bare boob pictures. Who would you imagine you're going to be attracting first and foremost? Did you guess people who have been attracted by the bodacious tatas and probably didn't read a word of your fucking profile? Well then you've correctly answered the fucking bonus question.

Okay, okay, as a general rule even women with a couple of non specific, non sexual pictures (Or even no pictures, err or a picture of a lighthouse) are going to attract a lot of players, but must you go out of your way to encourage them?

Right then, YOU'RE cheating on your fucking husband, where the fuck do you get off whining because you ended up hooking up with married guys, also cheating on their spouse? Like attracts like.

Oh yes, and that whole, "no longer looking" bullshit? Right, it's bullshit. You're no longer looking because of all the people who lied to you? Delete your fucking profile and get on with your life. All you're doing with that profile opening is attracting the sort of predator who may not lie to you, but will definitely take full advantage of you being in that sort of vulnerable state... Which in turn gives you yet more to cry about later on down the line.

Speaking of preying upon the vulnerable, i'm reminded of a particular ad that was placed on Craig's List just after Hurricane Katrina hit the New Orleans/Southern Mississippi area. This guy was offering a place to stay for either a single mother or a single woman displaced by the storm. In return for a place to stay, the woman would be required to serve him in much the same way as many of us envision a D/s type relationship.... This would be her repayment for his "kindness." The shitbags are out there, just waiting.

 

"Imagine a place, a farm, a training center for submissives, servants, maids and slaves.  The only way in would by submitting to a contract, you’d write by hand."

"You’d go there out of your free will and you would not leave before the end of the contract.
It would be a place where you’d learn to serve and obey, explore your limitations, gifts, talents and overcome your fears.  It would be a safe place and yet frightening, for you’d give up your rights as a free person and become a trainee, a novice in the fine arts of servitude.

There would be a main house, where the trainers and leader would reside, and there would be cells and stables, as sleeping accommodation for the trainees.  It would be a like square farm or a roman villa structure, where you’d finally become what deep inside yourself, you had always been."

The above is from a 48/45 Dom/Domme couple in Belgium, and there are other parts of this profile, advertising this place that can only be described as a Slave Utopia. Well, Dom/me Utopia seeing as they are only allowing subs and slaves to "apply."

Right, now this profile contains three photos. Now I swear i'm not making it up, but two of those photos show a woman on a St. Andrews Cross, mouths open and spread eagle....(Two different women) But there's something just under these women's legs.. something blue... A pose ball.

Yep, these pictures are from SecondLife, as is the photo of his "roman villa" he speaks of in the profile.  Just Sayin'! Hey if you apply for this, get ready to have to download SecondLife.


I've been having a bit of fun trying to find some of the people my new favorite profile tootrue2 speaks of in her journals. She likes to give them cute nicknames such as "Motorcycle Dom" and "Rollercoaster Dom."

So, let's have a look at Motorcycle Dom and Rollercoaster Dom and even though these two have been well and fully taken to the proverbial woodshed by tootrue2, I just can't resist picking at the scabs a little.

Right then..

Let's start with Roller Coaster Dom, a 65 male dominant in Massachusetts..

"Consent is not something that is debated at every turn. It is given once and only after trust and thought have gone into it. Period. After that, all is left to the Dominant. No challenging his decisions. You have given control and that is that."

I actually don't disagree with the first part of this, consent not being debated at every turn.... And he seems to understand that this consent is not given at the drop of a hat, so we'll give him that one... Up until the point where the submissive doesn't feel as if she is getting what she signed up for, or perhaps no longer getting it. Then guess what happens?

"Withdraw your consent and the relationship is at a end."

Yeah, no shit? I think that's rather a clue the relationship is at an end. She don't want you no mo'. Hey, at least he's not one of those, "no hope of release" sort of folks.. although this next bit rather seems to indicate it's what he'd prefer.

"I Believe you should conceptualize this as a Roller Coaster Ride. Once started, you cannot stop in the middle of the ride and say " This is too steep! Let me off!" You either ride the ride to the end or don't get on."

And now, the comment that is reponsible for the nickname tootrue2 gave him.

What an absolute assinine comment to make. Especially when it comes on the heels of his own words about withdrawing consent. Withdrawing consent is something he doesn't feel should be an option.

"For those of you who approach a Dominant with a long list of limits, perhaps you should rethink your orientation. Most submissive limits lists are nothing more than a sad attempt to top from the bottom."

Awww shit, and hereeeeeeee we go! The old tried and true fallback to explain anything not of their ideals of submissive behavior, "topping from the bottom." Because DAMMIT, a submissive should NEVER have the sort of fucking intelligence or self worth (Preservation?)it takes to say, "You know, I don't want certain things to be done to me."

Heh, let's couple that topping from the bottom comment with the last two lines of his profile...

"I am prepared to accept supplications from an INTELLIGENT submissive/slave that desire to expand their real time personal experiences."

Dude, You really shouldn't say you're seeking someone who is intelligent... And then go off on rants about when they actually use said intelligence you say you seek, to determine that perhaps there are certain activities or parts of this scene they don't want to explore.

No, really I get what you're saying, though.. By "intelligent" you mean someone who recognizes you for the all encompassing, all knowing MASTER you are, right?


All right then, let's move along to Motorcycle Dom.. This is a 50 male dominant in Massachusetts. Point of interest, tootrue2 does the majority of her posts about those in Mass, but i've seen some recent ones from other places, look out :-P
.
This cat is looking for the "total package" and tootrue2 rips his ass for some of the things said slave must be when he's not exactly the total package himself..

Now, after reading this guys profile, there's some fucking funny shit in there beginning with the paragragh that starts out with, "About me:"

Just WOW!! Works in the hotel industry in upper management, UPPER fucking MANANGEMENT!!.. A scuba diving "dive master".. a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, PLUS!!! a former member of the armed forces, the Green Berets.

Eh I really wish you assholes who claim to have been a Navy Seal, or a Ranger or anything of the sort would get it that the sort of person who was REALLY a member of those organizations generally don't talk about it. They don't use that shit to get laid is what I mean. And how come no one ever puts in their profile that they were a supply clerk in the Army?

Right, the one picture of this guy is of a errrr.... typical white collar type,*smirk* jeans and Patriot's jacket, snot rag hanging from a pocket.. You know, the sort of shit upper management types tend to wear when they go out in public and pose for photos in front of buildings.

Seriously, being an accounting clerk at a medium sized hotel is NOT upper management. Besides, why even mention you're in fucking upper management (tranlates into, "makes the big bucks", don't deny it, dipshit.) then go on to state you refuse to be someone's sugar daddy? Dude, making the big bucks is the only fucking chance someone like you has to find the head turning total package you want.

Anyhow, there is one line in this profile that flat out tells you this moron is totally clueless..
"I am strict and very demanding, I hate failure in a submissive /slave."

Now, what exactly can be construed as failure in a submissive or slave when the prevailing opinion of the community at large, (Not that i've polled them but I believe most would ageee on this) is that a submissive or slave directly reflects upon the dominant, yes, yes?

So that means if there is a failure, guess whose fault it is? It has to be the dominant's seeing as the general consensus for this type of person is that the submissive is basically nothing without her dominant to "guide" her on her journey.

And why is it these sorts feel the need to add one or more photos of some hot woman in their profile, in some wide open pose?


Hmmm, I must have writer's block the past few months.. All of a sudden the lulz are just jumping out at me in profiles i've seen before but didn't see the funny in them..

I'm not gonna speculate too much.. just gonna keep on keeping on..

Laterz